Missed Call

Vocation is a gift and a mystery in one. Vocation never loses its meaning, never been wronged and criticized and questioned. It’s dogmatic, a mandate. It is the end of the sentence, and answer to an argument, a solution to a problem. I almost crashed to all kinds of vocation. I have been single but later years decided to choose a religious life stayed for years, got dissatisfied all of the sudden in the quiet night, search the meaning of life outside, and journeyed with God. I was officially single but blessed. I still served the mother church with mission across the areas I was a novice of hope, assisted the church, I preached the good news and joined a group of youth believing in God, I was a soldier of God. Then I got carried away by chances, education was essential, gone wild inside the inner self prostrations, a lost dreams, a tainted past. I got paired again then loses again, many times, over and over again, I prayed, I cried, many times. 

I chose to be single but no longer blessed, denied the importance of prayer and inhabit the worldly things, become happy, a short period of happiness, a long silence of discomfort, reminiscing the dream, tears, denied everything. I prayed, I promised, I failed. Abused the body, refused the truth, and rejected God. 

After so many mistakes, I decided to proceed to other courses, a lot more student like scenario, put meaning to my life. I stayed with one woman to love. I studied again, established new friends, classmates, added new knowledge, happy. I wrote a letter to the seminary, promised to be back soon. I was bit by bit taking my step of going back to God believing that my dreams of becoming one of the white dressed respectable people up the stage be realized. Changed, attending Holy Eucharist, praying. Just a few months, I never thought disaster come down rolling upon my very self. I met a woman, a friend, best friend, secretly loving me, I was blind, I hurt her, I broke up with the woman I love, and I cheated because of her. I was overwhelmed, I was disturbed. She made friends with my friends, so fast I didn't even notice it. Then there were silence, almost two months, I was at peace, I missed her. Then she came back, they came back. I was hundred times drowned. It was wrong, I was wrong. I cried, many times, I can’t sleep, I was scared. We hid the truth for months, we were cornered, got busted. She trusted me, she fought for my friends, unreasonable, no love, she could not understand. We tried, we established. I cheated, then I cheated, then I cheated. THEN STOP! Realization hit me once again and pity, unconditional love was forged, I faked it. I got swallowed, I learned to appreciate, and I was stupid. She cheated, I was hurt, I let go, let go, let go, let go, but never. I lied I pretended to stay, I stayed. I found deep love, not for her but to the little me, she was mine; she was mine after all I thought. She came up in the world because of me. I tried to be responsible, do the unthinkable, but I failed. I felt less than a human, a stupid person, a bad father.

I searched many times; many have come but never last long. The situation changes, trial and error kind of love, user, being used, but never works out. It was all forgotten, better forgotten. Everything was messed up experiences. I was still moving away to responsibilities, never tried to be a leader, never ruled over myself. I still have vices, indulged myself to more worldly things that causes break ups and hurts. I ran to my friends, cried to my mother’s lap, an action figure in the broad day light and nocturnal at night, but deep inside was a total darkness, I hid, my haven of peace. I considered the darkness as my comfort zone, I was never honest since then, and love made me a liar, experiences created a monster out of me. I was never tamed, they all tried. I cheat. I will cheat if I don't see us great. It was understandable; I was prostrated, my dreams gone awry. Still I searched, I never stop.

After all the storms that I'd been through and hindrances I surmounted, I found at last the happiness that I was looking for. She was just there, behind me, at my side, at the back, in front of me, a meter away from me, an inch apart. I was all the time blind. I never imagined that long before I started my education, the journey I opted to pursue. She was my very first classmate. I don't remember if she saw me or even laid an eye on me. I was not interesting after all. It was too late but not yet. When I got to know her, she becomes the light of my dreams, the way of my becoming. I returned to God, I prayed, His prodigal son. She was an instrument of goodwill. An ambassador, she made my revolting attitude towards grievances of my past come to pass. She becomes the love that sprouted new hopes within me. I was hopeful that this moment would not come to pass us. If the extremes judges us, It should be worth remembering, a history. One thing I was thankful since then when she came to my side, she took the time of understanding my darkest side, and she kept on building the good side of me and repainting my past for me not to be discouraged of life. I would even say she's a good painter. She made my day beautiful, my life colorful. She is a true person, an angel perhaps befriending a devil, convincing how beautiful heaven is. She tamed the monster out of me. And I would say she did well. (I am grateful)
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I am so blessed having a partner like her. If my destiny is to be with her, I would even take the time of my life looking to that “destiny” and say my deepest thank you. She’s one hell of a kind. I just won the greatest lottery of life so I say. However, I am still afraid, worried to the fact that nothing is constant. Everything is set for us, the plans, my dreams and hers. It’s so perfect, incomparable. I told her I would never ever mess up again I would never hurt her again. She suffered too much and that’s enough. But she stayed even though I have done so many bad things towards her; still she keeps on holding on. I am hurt in silence, I am stunned, I can’t move. Anyone who stays at me and fights for me gets hurt. If this is what love means hurting her, I would die, I would let her go even if it kills me, and I don’t want any collateral damages because of me. I am an abomination. Where would I suppose to be with or live my life with/for?

No matter how many calls I received a day; a temptation and opportunity it may be. This time I am sure I will not waver that I know my life would change again if I take the bait. Before I never listened, that time I never believed, I never contemplate and pray. I was tested by God in all aspects of my life. I come to many unthinkable experiences at an early age and I appreciate it. I did grow and I did love. I was never sure, never did sure in my whole life before. But one thing I am sure I made the right decision in my life, the decision to stay with her. This might be the vocation I’ll be answering for now, I believe it would take long, too long that it will be forgotten who forsake us, and it will become a law to others and a dogma to everyone. We will stay strong together. We will wait together to the vocation that everyone who knows how and what to love unconditionally is. Thank you for coming over my life, for staying. I love the way you are. <3  

It was a missed call yes! and an answered prayer. :)